Looking at the mirror

Never from the before or after have i ever concerned my consciousness with suicide, so strong is the will to see, to feel and be happy. But how can i go on? It not a question of death but a question of life, the lives we have created for ourselves. One would be forgiven to assume that narcissism is a defence mechanism which envelopes the consciousness, to shield it from the world to protect from the nasties i.e. all the other packages, so neatly wrapped and awaiting deliverance. A hated and loved world, this world of images and mirages, of physical and essence, of biological and logical. Always, Always constantly in conflict, providing superficial entertainment, this creates noting but a riddle of lies which distracts the mind. Ironically I escape this by being alone, looking within is the only refuge, a place which is only temporary. In despair and anxiety the countdown begins I force the selves to stay and so confusion arises, a fear of death and fear of life, i do not understand.... we do not understand. We are ignorant and faith is only an acceptance of this fact. Yet faith would have me believe it that it is the only alternative for which to escape this 8th circle of hell. I try to have faith, i have tried, but so strong is my will, so logical is my mind that a conflict has arisen. Faith is not logical, and the will, the will not accept that faith is our only alternative. I find hope in curiosity there must be an answer, there must be an alternative? And this is the reason I can bear to look at myself in the mirror. I fight for hope in curiosity